Confused*

I'm so confused. You must believe me friend, believe that i am not lying in your face, when i say "I do not know", "I do not understand", and "I do not know what to do".

You tell me all the bad things you see about me in my face, in your honesty you blurt them out, and i answer you with a nervous laugh, because i am taken by surprise, i do not want you to see how hurt i feel, so i compose myself, I force upon myself to remain calm, and i concur with everything you say, because i have not the strength to contradict you, i know deep down that you are right, and that i am not. How can i defend myself against your onslaught of honesty? My body cannot endure, and it starts changing color, and i feel things in my stomach, and things in my muscles.

You tell me that you love me, that it is out of love that you do this, that you do not wish to see me remain in my current state, you wish to see me changed, you wish to see me changed and like you. And i hate you for it! I hate you for it! Forgive me for my hatred, and anger. How can i stand before your love? I shed tears inside me when you said those words. I am unworthy of this. Go away and leave me! And you went, and i said "thank you" but under my breath i cursed the day i met you!

How can i love you when you display with passion and reprimand to me and to others the parts of my soul that i wish to keep hidden, the things i run from, the things i am afraid of, and the things i have not yet learned how to deal with? How can i accept that you hurt me for my own good? I can't. I do not want this, I can tell you that, I want to be pampered like a child is by his mother, I do not want to change, I am comfortable here in this ditch i have made for myself. And you come and shatter everything, all the things i thought were good about me fall to the ground, all the gradual build up, all the things i was learning...

Forgive me for being this cruel, for not appreciating your love, and for not reciprocating it. For not desiring for myself the good things you desire for me. Forgive me that i write an apology, an elegy of feelings and thoughts, but i do not diligently pursue change. Forgive that i can only grasp the bad things, the things which make me out to be your victim.

*To G for our conversation on the 17th of August 2009 in the kitchen, i took the "wide gate", and the "broad way".

Goodbye

I said goodbye to a friend yesterday, and to another the day before.

For someone like me, saying goodbye is a thing of great weight. Even though while i am saying goodbye, i cannot feel this weight, but feel it later on, when i go to sleep, and when i wake up the next day, and the next.

And for someone like me, to whom saying goodbye has become a normal cyclical part of my life, you'd think i got used to it. But i find that i really haven't.

It hurts.