The Tree of Life

Parting Gifts

Letting Go

The Lotus & the Peacock

"A child's intelligent heart can fathom the depth of many dark places, but can it fathom the delicate moment of its own detachment?"

from the film: Detachment

Cat in Spring

The Walls of Constaninople

The Walls of Constaninople

Shobak

Old Houses in Shobak, Jordan

Fuhais: Past and Present

Pictures from the town in Jordan where I live

The Virgin

House Sketch

The Christ

وجدّتُ نفسي ضائِعةً

في ذا المكان

و أنا لا أدري

من يبحثُ عمَّن

وجدّتُ نفسي ضائعةً

مِنّي

فقلتُ لها:

لماذا، لماذا

تركتيني؟

فقالت هي، 

فقالت و قالت،

و ما فهِمتُ،

ما قالَتْ.

A Man, Not a Tree

You are a tree

not a man,

when you harm me.

Can I see the tree,

not the man?

Can I perceive,

in that moment,

your whole?

Am I God?

Can I see your seed,

where it fell,

on what soil,

How your roots spread,
 and multiplied,

and crushed,

and splintered

the soil,

How you sucked in,

what was in that soil,

How you germinated,

and sprouted,

and obliterated

the cubic millimeters

of earth above you

to breathe air,

How you reached out

towards the heavens,

bent this way and that,

under sun,

and wind,

and rain,

How you budded,

your first leaf,

stood on your own,

breathed on your own,

and smiled at the sun,

-A tree

not a man-

How you spread your arms,

in welcome,

received your first blows,

and carried,

your first bird,

your first nest,

survived your first winter,

naked in the cold?

Do I see

all the rings,

forming and growing continually,

inside your trunk?

Do I see

the bark,

growing and dying,

on your surface,

protecting you from harm?

Your first fruit,

your second.

What fruit is it?

What color?

What life in you,

has made this new life,

that now hangs,

for all to see?

A man,

not a tree,

you are,

when you harm me.

But do I see,

the tree?

اليومْ عُلِّقَ على خَشَبة

 الذي عَلَّقَ الأرضَ على الِمياه

إِكليلٌ منْ شَوكٍ وُضِعَ

 على هامَةِ ملكِ الملائِكة
بِرفيراً كاذبًا تسربلْ
الذي وشَّحَ السَّماءَ بالغُيومْ
قَبِل لَطمَةً

 الذي أَعتَقَ آدَمَ في الأُردُنْ
خَتَنُ البِيعَةِ سُمِّرَ بالمساميرْ
و ابنُ العذراءِ

 طُعِنَ بِحَربَة

نَسجُدُ لآلامِكَ أيُّها المَسيحْ
فأرِنا قِيامَتَكَ المَجيدَة

آمين

Today on a tree is hung

He who hung the firmament on the waters

A crown of thorns is placed

On the head of the King of Angels

A counterfeit robe is given

Him who clothed the heavens with clouds

He who redeemed Adam in Jordan

Accepted a blow

The people's bridegroom

Was pierced with nails

The son of the virgin

Was pierced by a spear

We worship your Passion, oh Christ

Reveal to us your glorious resurrection

Amen

A song by Fairuz

"Forgive us our debts,

as we forgive our debtors"

"For if ye forgive men their trespasses,

your heavenly father will also forgive you:

But if ye forgive not men their trespasses,

neither will your father forgive your trespasses."

Thanks For Coming Labib

"Job imagined he might build his nest on high – that the integrity of his behavior would protect him against misfortune. And his friends thought, mistakenly, that the Lord could only have punished him because secretly he’d done something wrong.

But, no, misfortune befalls the good as well. We can’t protect ourselves against it. We can’t protect our children. We can’t say to ourselves, even if I’m not happy, I’m going to make sure they are.

We vanish as a cloud. We wither as the autumn grass, and like a tree are rooted up.

Is there some fraud in the scheme of the universe? Is there nothing which is deathless? Nothing which does not pass away?

We cannot stay where we are. We must journey forth.

We must find that which is greater than fortune or fate. Nothing can bring us peace but that.

Is the body of the wise man, or the just, exempt from any pain? From any disquietude, from the deformity that might blight its beauty, from the weakness that might destroy its health?

Do you trust in God?

Job, too, was close to the Lord. Are your friends and children your security? There is no hiding place in all the world where trouble may not find you. No on knows when sorrow might visit his house, any more than Job did.

The very moment everything was taken away from Job, he knew it was the Lord who’d taken it away. He turned from the passing shows of time. He sought that which is eternal.

Does he alone see God’s hand who sees that He gives, or does not also the one see God’s hand who sees that He takes away? Does he alone see God who sees God turn His face towards him? Does not also he see God who sees God turn his back?"

From the Tree of Life

"الشَيء يكتسب أهمَية لي عندما أكتشف أنَ له علاقة بتسديد احتياجاتي"

"The unexamined life is not worth living"

-Aristotle

"We do not measure a culture by its output of undisguised trivialities but by what it claims as significant"

-Neil Postman

The Bird

Prayer: 10 August 2013

Where are you now, God? Are you near? Are you here, now? Watching? Did you hear my prayer on the bike? Did you take it seriously? I need you to help me here in A. What can I do to bring back to life the things that have died in me? To restore my love of nature, of people, of music, of beauty. To be enthralled, moved. To care. To make beautiful things. To enjoy anything. To have purpose. To know the strength of my will and to practice it. To do something meaningful with my time. To enrich the lives of others. To see myself as valuable. As you see me. Someone with a role.

Can you restore my relationships with my friends and family, with L, H, L, and L? With myself? Will that fix everything? How do we do it together? How do I make use of the rest of my time here, that begins to pass away one day at a time? How can I use it in a good way, a way that will lead me to good and wonderful things? What am I looking for? What am I seeking? Where is your love? Is it on pages in a book, in stories and parables, in ideas transmitted by these? Is love an idea? A most powerful idea that overcomes all others? Will you show me and teach me what I need to learn? Where are you? I thought I glimpsed you in my laughter in the rain, in my tears as I listened to the most beautiful music, in the thrill I felt on the mountain. Was it you, or just me? Have you anything to do with these? Where are you now? Come to me. Find me because I can't find you, and I can't find me. I am small, I am little, a child, a creature. You're something I can't comprehend, something big and frightening and overwhelming. Too big. Too big. What will it take for something so big to find something so small? Do you want to? Is it okay with you where I am now? Okay that I'm not like most of the people I know? That I lack something basic? That I have the power to change it but I haven't yet? Help me, I need your help.

Götzis

I am now sitting next to a very clean and beautiful lake under beautiful beech trees. The weather has changed. It rained almost all day yesterday in I, and today the weather is pleasantly warm and there is a cool breeze, and clouds away in the horizon that don't come near the sun. We rode our bikes out here for maybe more than half an hour. It's a very beautiful place. V. We came to see M, who is a bit different from how I remember her, but ever so cheerful and energetic. She and her sister sang songs to me that made me cry. I find some solace in that, some peace, that music still moves me so powerfully, even though my love of nature has grown cold, as if something in me has died and I don't know how to make it come to life again. Only yesterday while I walked in the Altstadt in I, and today in V do I feel some of these feelings caused by the love of nature, but ever so fleeting and unexpected. I also felt this last week on the mountain tour with D, L, and B.

I can't seem to hold on nor retain the fleeting moments of peace, excitement, enjoyment, appreciation, hope, and the will to move forward and achieve. They pass away so quickly through me and I don't know how to keep them there, or what causes them.

How is it that some people have something that others don't have, or can't seem to find or dig into or use? How is it that when I look at K, or F, or M, or B, or D, I feel this lack? This something that is missing? How is it that I feel that when I just walk in M's house and look at the family pictures on the wall, and see M dance, and hear her sing and talk? I feel something that I don't have. Something I lack.

Is it an illusion? Are they just like me? They're not superior, in value, in worth, are they? But they have something, some inner strength, some ability to carry the self. What is it? How is it that I can so easily sense it? Is it the truth, or a trick, another contorted thought, another lie?

Burkhardsfelden-Deutschland

The thoughts concerning the Ls and my life are beginning to converge into more solid ideas, and i'm not sure that any of them are good or true. There has been a lot of damage done. I have used them to satisfy my needs without considering their well being. That is not love. I have allowed myself to be used. That is not love either. There are consequences for all this. Things can be mended but I don't know how. I don't know how I want things to be, and how they can be that way. It seems to me that I cannot depend on anyone for anything. I have a great need for other people, for their presence, love, affection, friendship, companionship, but I cannot depend on any of them. Not L, not L, not A, the people I look up to. Not L. No one. Not the Cs. Not my friends. If we are together, then we can share life, but if we are not, then, life is lived in loneliness and independence. Depend on God, you will say to me. God is the source of fulfillment. How? I ask you. Is not this whole thing a mind game? Where I keep telling myself how much God loves and accepts me? Has not God ordained the world to function in a certain way? Was not that love of his supposed to flow into me through my parents? Our parents are imperfect, you will say. We all need God, you will say. But I say how will I come to him?

Am I supposed to live depending on him alone? How? I don't know how. How can I not depend on those around me? How can I be in a place where I can give? Where are you now, O God? Are you near me? Are you near my broken heart? Do you feel the pain that is no longer a visitor there? Do you see my disappointment? Do you understand the emptiness I feel when I wake up every morning? Love me, God. Why must things be a certain way? A difficult way? I want to know your love for me, because I am so hungry for love, because I know you have enough for me, because I can't depend on others, because I know they can't satisfy my hunger. But will you satisfy my hunger? I don't think you will. In the same way others disappoint me, so will you. Not because you are imperfect, but because I am, because I do not understand love. Love me more than I can bear so that I can be healed.

Is the answer to withdraw from people, to detach myself? To not become involved? To not be vulnerable, to not show my needs to others? How can this be the answer?

God, you know that I am scattered. You know that I am lost. I seek to be gathered, to be found, to be made whole. I want to find myself again. To find it in love. Your love. 

Prayer: 16 April 2013

God, I come before you wondering as Augustine wonders. What can contain you? Where do you put the overflow of yourself after heaven and earth are filled? I come realizing not with whom I speak. Unafraid, I come. And perhaps I should tremble, to think of speaking to thee. To think to trouble thee with all my troubles, and with all my plans, and with all of what I want, and with all that I need. But you are loving. You are not condescending. You look down with mercy, grace, and compassion. You give ear to those who acknowledge their need for you. I ask for mercy, grace, and love. I ask for guidance and direction. For light. For enlightenment in my darkened mind. I have no love nor desire for your word, if indeed your word it be. Help me.
Do I seek thee? Do I want thee? What is in thee or of thee that is desirable or profitable to me, that I should after thee pant, or call thee "my sweetness"? Thou art to me a mystery yet. An unknown, uncharted land of peril. Can I call thee to come? Can man, "a little piece of your creation" call on thee to come? Will you come? Do I know what I ask, or only repeat words that are not mine? I'm unafraid to approach you, but I am afraid of you. What do I want from thee that I come now to thee? What use have I found for thee, that I now I come and ask for thine help?

Prayer: 22 March 2013

Dear God,

I sense a small change. A ray of light that offers a glimpse into another world. The world I left behind. Renew hope in me. Help me to come back. Help me to break through. Help me to guard myself and those around me. Help me to have and give love and friendship. Friendship, God. A forgotten treasure. I desire to find it. I need that. Remind me. Open my eyes. Break my shell. Though I fear the pain. Break my shell. I need to break it. I need your help to break it.

Child. My son. My own. I am yours and you are mine, and no one else is ours, and we are no one's. أنا و أنت معاً. How painful it must be for you to continually experience my rejection of you, and my looking down on you, and devaluing you. To know that I do not value you. That I don't think you're worth much. So sorry, child. To see that I am like this. To be unable to truthfully tell you that I love you, that I miss you, that I want to spend time with you, that you're valuable to me. But you are, I've just forgotten how. I'm sorry but I don't know how to do that. All I can think of are dark things. I can't find you. You won't come to me. Will a child give his father grace? Forgiveness? Mercy? Will I forgive my own father? Dad, will I forgive you? Will I show you grace? Will I try to begin to love you? To realize how much I needed you? You've wronged me, you've broken me. Look at me. Look at my broken mind, my broken heart, my broken view of the world. I needed you. I needed your love. Your encouragement. Your acceptance of me. Your gentleness and kindness, but I did not find it. I did not find you. But I know why you were like that. I know you're my equal. I know you suffered too. I know you didn't know any better. You were stupid. You were ignorant. You had unresolved issues. You had pain. You also had a mom and dad. Shall I give unto you what you have not given unto me? Where can I bring it from? Will you, child, give unto me what I have not given you? Where will you bring it?

ليس لي مكانٌ أرجع إليه.

ليس لي بيتٌ. ليس لي منزلٌ. ليس لي وطنٌ.

ليس لي أمانٌ و لا اطمئنانٌ.

لي ترحالٌ. لي اغترابٌ.

إغترابٌ عن غربةٍ. و ليس عن وطنٍ.

أين أنت يا وطني؟ لم تعد لي وطناً.

أين أنت يا بيتي؟ لم تعد لي بيتاً.

لا أعود لك. لا أجدك.

أين أنت يا أبي و أنتِ يا أمّي؟

لم تعودا لي أباً و أمّاً.

من أحبّني.

ذاك هو أبي. ذاك هو أمّي.

أخي. أختي.

بيتي.

وطني.

أنا حزين، مع أنني محبوب. مع أنّ هناك من يفتقدني. حزين. لأنّني لا أحبُّ نفسي. و لا أدرك قيمتها، فأخاف أن أخرج بها. أخاف أن أريها للآخرين كشيءٍ قيّمٍ. شيءٌ يستحقُّ أن تعرفه. أن تحبّه. أن تقضي معه وقتاً. و لكن ماذا أفعل؟ هذا هو حالي الآن. كيف أغيّر منه؟ كيف أعبر بحر الإستسلام؟ حتّى متى سنبقى هكذا؟

لقد سئمت هذا. سئمت الخوف و انعدام الثّقة و كره الذّات و الإختباء و الهروب و عدم محبّة الآخرين و الخوف من المستقبل و عدم الرّغبة في فِعلِ أيِّ شيءٍ مفيدٍ لهذا العالم. للآخرين. للّذين حولنا. سئمت الفراق. و سئمت عدم وجودِ منزلٍ و لا استقرارٍ و لا بيتٍ. لي. و لا أبٍ و لا أمٍّ. و لا مستقبلٍ. و لا أصدقاء. سئمت أمراضي الّتي تمنعني عن الحب. عن الإستمتاع. عن الفرح. عن العطاء. عن القبول. عن الثّقة. فماذا أفعلُ إذاً؟ سئمت صعوبة التّواصل. سئمت أن أفقد أشياءاً تعلّمتُها. سئمت طول الإنتظار. سئمت الكسل. سئمت الإنفصال. سئمت ابتعاد الأصدقاء. و سئمت برودة المشاعر. سئمت الذّنب الدّائم. و العار الدّائم. و الضّغط الدّائم.

أريد أن أسترخي داخليّاً. أن أرتاح. أن أقبل هذه النّفس. أن أعرف أنّها على ما يرام. أنّها مقبولة. أنّها محبوبة. و أنَّ ليس كلُّ ما أطالبه بها صحيحٌ. ليس كلُّه مطلوباً منها. أن أقبلها. كما قبلها اللّه. كما هي. بكلِّ ما فيها من قديمٍ و جديدٍ و متجدّدٍ و متحجّرٍ، و صدىءٍ. بكلِّ ما فيها من مرارةٍ و خوفٍ. من جمالٍ و قباحةٍ. من كرامةٍ و هوانٍ. لكنّني لا أقدر على هذا القبول. بعد كل هذا الوقت. بعد كلِّ ما حدث لي في السّنة الماضية و ما قبلها. و لا زلت لا أقدر. لا زلت عالقاً في نفس المكان. لا زلت مبتوراً. لا زلت مقيّداً. لا زلت رضيعاً. لم أُفطَم بعد. لا زلت. و لا أعرف كيف أعود. و لا أعرف لماذا هكذا أنا. و لماذا من هم حولي ليسوا هكذا. مع أنّهم هكذا بطريقةٍ أو بأخرى. لماذا رُفِضِّتِ أيّتها النّفس من قبل؟ لماذا أُهِنتِ و ضُرِبتِ؟ لماذا أٌجبِرتِ؟ لماذا هذه الجراح عميقةٌ إلى هذه الدّرجة؟ لا أدري. هل حدث شيءُ أسوأ و أظلم لا أذكره أنا؟

Prayer: 18 March 2013

Dear God,

Grant me the will to correct my thoughts this day. To love myself. To love those around me.
Grant me peace, that comes from knowing that you care for my security and for my needs. You care how I feel and how I fare.

Help me love myself or begin to. I don't know what is hindering me.
Help me to see and know your love, if the time is right.
Help me to realize that I cannot place my hopes and my security in other people, or in circumstances that are ever changing, and ever moving in and out of my life.

But how can I place my hope, my trust, my security in you? O source of all goodness?
I need these other people. I need friends. I need loved ones. I need those who love and enjoy me. Why must I always have to part from them? Why does it hurt so much? Why is it unbearable?

How can I know your love and come to you? I cannot see you. I cannot touch you. I cannot hear your voice.
You're a mystery. A story. They say you're a person. They say you're Jesus. But I don't see a person. I don't see a person.

How can I trust you without seeing you? Without believing your words?
Help me to see you. Help me to understand your words. Help me to read them, for I do not desire it.

I don't know how much you could or would help me, but I ask it of you anyway.

Prayer: 15 March 2013

I remembered your love again, O God, after reading through one of the devotionals in this notebook. "An invitation to trust".

I forgot that I can come to you trusting that you won't shun me, won't push me aside, won't tell me to "stop talking about your problems and start doing something about them". You'll understand. You have enough love and mercy. You understand. You care. You care about me, about my well being. You care how I feel.

Give me the strength this day that I need to renew my mind. My efforts are so fluctuating. Show your love to me because I need it to carry on. Help me to take your love and give it to myself, and then give to those around me. I need your help each day to discern and see the truth, and then to speak it. "All truth is God's truth", but where is your truth most clearly shown more than in your word? Your word that I do not want to approach.

"Come to me all ye who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest"
What is my need for thee, O God? That you should be a source of truth to my mind? Is this my "spiritual need" that can be fulfilled by you? What is our heavy load? Why are we weary? What rest will you give to us? What are you talking about? What do your words mean?

Villa

Second Year Project : Villa