Götzis

I am now sitting next to a very clean and beautiful lake under beautiful beech trees. The weather has changed. It rained almost all day yesterday in I, and today the weather is pleasantly warm and there is a cool breeze, and clouds away in the horizon that don't come near the sun. We rode our bikes out here for maybe more than half an hour. It's a very beautiful place. V. We came to see M, who is a bit different from how I remember her, but ever so cheerful and energetic. She and her sister sang songs to me that made me cry. I find some solace in that, some peace, that music still moves me so powerfully, even though my love of nature has grown cold, as if something in me has died and I don't know how to make it come to life again. Only yesterday while I walked in the Altstadt in I, and today in V do I feel some of these feelings caused by the love of nature, but ever so fleeting and unexpected. I also felt this last week on the mountain tour with D, L, and B.

I can't seem to hold on nor retain the fleeting moments of peace, excitement, enjoyment, appreciation, hope, and the will to move forward and achieve. They pass away so quickly through me and I don't know how to keep them there, or what causes them.

How is it that some people have something that others don't have, or can't seem to find or dig into or use? How is it that when I look at K, or F, or M, or B, or D, I feel this lack? This something that is missing? How is it that I feel that when I just walk in M's house and look at the family pictures on the wall, and see M dance, and hear her sing and talk? I feel something that I don't have. Something I lack.

Is it an illusion? Are they just like me? They're not superior, in value, in worth, are they? But they have something, some inner strength, some ability to carry the self. What is it? How is it that I can so easily sense it? Is it the truth, or a trick, another contorted thought, another lie?