Burkhardsfelden-Deutschland
The thoughts concerning the Ls and my life are beginning to converge into more solid ideas, and i'm not sure that any of them are good or true. There has been a lot of damage done. I have used them to satisfy my needs without considering their well being. That is not love. I have allowed myself to be used. That is not love either. There are consequences for all this. Things can be mended but I don't know how. I don't know how I want things to be, and how they can be that way. It seems to me that I cannot depend on anyone for anything. I have a great need for other people, for their presence, love, affection, friendship, companionship, but I cannot depend on any of them. Not L, not L, not A, the people I look up to. Not L. No one. Not the Cs. Not my friends. If we are together, then we can share life, but if we are not, then, life is lived in loneliness and independence. Depend on God, you will say to me. God is the source of fulfillment. How? I ask you. Is not this whole thing a mind game? Where I keep telling myself how much God loves and accepts me? Has not God ordained the world to function in a certain way? Was not that love of his supposed to flow into me through my parents? Our parents are imperfect, you will say. We all need God, you will say. But I say how will I come to him?
Am I supposed to live depending on him alone? How? I don't know how. How can I not depend on those around me? How can I be in a place where I can give? Where are you now, O God? Are you near me? Are you near my broken heart? Do you feel the pain that is no longer a visitor there? Do you see my disappointment? Do you understand the emptiness I feel when I wake up every morning? Love me, God. Why must things be a certain way? A difficult way? I want to know your love for me, because I am so hungry for love, because I know you have enough for me, because I can't depend on others, because I know they can't satisfy my hunger. But will you satisfy my hunger? I don't think you will. In the same way others disappoint me, so will you. Not because you are imperfect, but because I am, because I do not understand love. Love me more than I can bear so that I can be healed.
Is the answer to withdraw from people, to detach myself? To not become involved? To not be vulnerable, to not show my needs to others? How can this be the answer?
God, you know that I am scattered. You know that I am lost. I seek to be gathered, to be found, to be made whole. I want to find myself again. To find it in love. Your love.
The thoughts concerning the Ls and my life are beginning to converge into more solid ideas, and i'm not sure that any of them are good or true. There has been a lot of damage done. I have used them to satisfy my needs without considering their well being. That is not love. I have allowed myself to be used. That is not love either. There are consequences for all this. Things can be mended but I don't know how. I don't know how I want things to be, and how they can be that way. It seems to me that I cannot depend on anyone for anything. I have a great need for other people, for their presence, love, affection, friendship, companionship, but I cannot depend on any of them. Not L, not L, not A, the people I look up to. Not L. No one. Not the Cs. Not my friends. If we are together, then we can share life, but if we are not, then, life is lived in loneliness and independence. Depend on God, you will say to me. God is the source of fulfillment. How? I ask you. Is not this whole thing a mind game? Where I keep telling myself how much God loves and accepts me? Has not God ordained the world to function in a certain way? Was not that love of his supposed to flow into me through my parents? Our parents are imperfect, you will say. We all need God, you will say. But I say how will I come to him?
Am I supposed to live depending on him alone? How? I don't know how. How can I not depend on those around me? How can I be in a place where I can give? Where are you now, O God? Are you near me? Are you near my broken heart? Do you feel the pain that is no longer a visitor there? Do you see my disappointment? Do you understand the emptiness I feel when I wake up every morning? Love me, God. Why must things be a certain way? A difficult way? I want to know your love for me, because I am so hungry for love, because I know you have enough for me, because I can't depend on others, because I know they can't satisfy my hunger. But will you satisfy my hunger? I don't think you will. In the same way others disappoint me, so will you. Not because you are imperfect, but because I am, because I do not understand love. Love me more than I can bear so that I can be healed.
Is the answer to withdraw from people, to detach myself? To not become involved? To not be vulnerable, to not show my needs to others? How can this be the answer?
God, you know that I am scattered. You know that I am lost. I seek to be gathered, to be found, to be made whole. I want to find myself again. To find it in love. Your love.
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