Prayer: 22 March 2013

Dear God,

I sense a small change. A ray of light that offers a glimpse into another world. The world I left behind. Renew hope in me. Help me to come back. Help me to break through. Help me to guard myself and those around me. Help me to have and give love and friendship. Friendship, God. A forgotten treasure. I desire to find it. I need that. Remind me. Open my eyes. Break my shell. Though I fear the pain. Break my shell. I need to break it. I need your help to break it.

Child. My son. My own. I am yours and you are mine, and no one else is ours, and we are no one's. أنا و أنت معاً. How painful it must be for you to continually experience my rejection of you, and my looking down on you, and devaluing you. To know that I do not value you. That I don't think you're worth much. So sorry, child. To see that I am like this. To be unable to truthfully tell you that I love you, that I miss you, that I want to spend time with you, that you're valuable to me. But you are, I've just forgotten how. I'm sorry but I don't know how to do that. All I can think of are dark things. I can't find you. You won't come to me. Will a child give his father grace? Forgiveness? Mercy? Will I forgive my own father? Dad, will I forgive you? Will I show you grace? Will I try to begin to love you? To realize how much I needed you? You've wronged me, you've broken me. Look at me. Look at my broken mind, my broken heart, my broken view of the world. I needed you. I needed your love. Your encouragement. Your acceptance of me. Your gentleness and kindness, but I did not find it. I did not find you. But I know why you were like that. I know you're my equal. I know you suffered too. I know you didn't know any better. You were stupid. You were ignorant. You had unresolved issues. You had pain. You also had a mom and dad. Shall I give unto you what you have not given unto me? Where can I bring it from? Will you, child, give unto me what I have not given you? Where will you bring it?

ليس لي مكانٌ أرجع إليه.

ليس لي بيتٌ. ليس لي منزلٌ. ليس لي وطنٌ.

ليس لي أمانٌ و لا اطمئنانٌ.

لي ترحالٌ. لي اغترابٌ.

إغترابٌ عن غربةٍ. و ليس عن وطنٍ.

أين أنت يا وطني؟ لم تعد لي وطناً.

أين أنت يا بيتي؟ لم تعد لي بيتاً.

لا أعود لك. لا أجدك.

أين أنت يا أبي و أنتِ يا أمّي؟

لم تعودا لي أباً و أمّاً.

من أحبّني.

ذاك هو أبي. ذاك هو أمّي.

أخي. أختي.

بيتي.

وطني.

أنا حزين، مع أنني محبوب. مع أنّ هناك من يفتقدني. حزين. لأنّني لا أحبُّ نفسي. و لا أدرك قيمتها، فأخاف أن أخرج بها. أخاف أن أريها للآخرين كشيءٍ قيّمٍ. شيءٌ يستحقُّ أن تعرفه. أن تحبّه. أن تقضي معه وقتاً. و لكن ماذا أفعل؟ هذا هو حالي الآن. كيف أغيّر منه؟ كيف أعبر بحر الإستسلام؟ حتّى متى سنبقى هكذا؟

لقد سئمت هذا. سئمت الخوف و انعدام الثّقة و كره الذّات و الإختباء و الهروب و عدم محبّة الآخرين و الخوف من المستقبل و عدم الرّغبة في فِعلِ أيِّ شيءٍ مفيدٍ لهذا العالم. للآخرين. للّذين حولنا. سئمت الفراق. و سئمت عدم وجودِ منزلٍ و لا استقرارٍ و لا بيتٍ. لي. و لا أبٍ و لا أمٍّ. و لا مستقبلٍ. و لا أصدقاء. سئمت أمراضي الّتي تمنعني عن الحب. عن الإستمتاع. عن الفرح. عن العطاء. عن القبول. عن الثّقة. فماذا أفعلُ إذاً؟ سئمت صعوبة التّواصل. سئمت أن أفقد أشياءاً تعلّمتُها. سئمت طول الإنتظار. سئمت الكسل. سئمت الإنفصال. سئمت ابتعاد الأصدقاء. و سئمت برودة المشاعر. سئمت الذّنب الدّائم. و العار الدّائم. و الضّغط الدّائم.

أريد أن أسترخي داخليّاً. أن أرتاح. أن أقبل هذه النّفس. أن أعرف أنّها على ما يرام. أنّها مقبولة. أنّها محبوبة. و أنَّ ليس كلُّ ما أطالبه بها صحيحٌ. ليس كلُّه مطلوباً منها. أن أقبلها. كما قبلها اللّه. كما هي. بكلِّ ما فيها من قديمٍ و جديدٍ و متجدّدٍ و متحجّرٍ، و صدىءٍ. بكلِّ ما فيها من مرارةٍ و خوفٍ. من جمالٍ و قباحةٍ. من كرامةٍ و هوانٍ. لكنّني لا أقدر على هذا القبول. بعد كل هذا الوقت. بعد كلِّ ما حدث لي في السّنة الماضية و ما قبلها. و لا زلت لا أقدر. لا زلت عالقاً في نفس المكان. لا زلت مبتوراً. لا زلت مقيّداً. لا زلت رضيعاً. لم أُفطَم بعد. لا زلت. و لا أعرف كيف أعود. و لا أعرف لماذا هكذا أنا. و لماذا من هم حولي ليسوا هكذا. مع أنّهم هكذا بطريقةٍ أو بأخرى. لماذا رُفِضِّتِ أيّتها النّفس من قبل؟ لماذا أُهِنتِ و ضُرِبتِ؟ لماذا أٌجبِرتِ؟ لماذا هذه الجراح عميقةٌ إلى هذه الدّرجة؟ لا أدري. هل حدث شيءُ أسوأ و أظلم لا أذكره أنا؟

Prayer: 18 March 2013

Dear God,

Grant me the will to correct my thoughts this day. To love myself. To love those around me.
Grant me peace, that comes from knowing that you care for my security and for my needs. You care how I feel and how I fare.

Help me love myself or begin to. I don't know what is hindering me.
Help me to see and know your love, if the time is right.
Help me to realize that I cannot place my hopes and my security in other people, or in circumstances that are ever changing, and ever moving in and out of my life.

But how can I place my hope, my trust, my security in you? O source of all goodness?
I need these other people. I need friends. I need loved ones. I need those who love and enjoy me. Why must I always have to part from them? Why does it hurt so much? Why is it unbearable?

How can I know your love and come to you? I cannot see you. I cannot touch you. I cannot hear your voice.
You're a mystery. A story. They say you're a person. They say you're Jesus. But I don't see a person. I don't see a person.

How can I trust you without seeing you? Without believing your words?
Help me to see you. Help me to understand your words. Help me to read them, for I do not desire it.

I don't know how much you could or would help me, but I ask it of you anyway.

Prayer: 15 March 2013

I remembered your love again, O God, after reading through one of the devotionals in this notebook. "An invitation to trust".

I forgot that I can come to you trusting that you won't shun me, won't push me aside, won't tell me to "stop talking about your problems and start doing something about them". You'll understand. You have enough love and mercy. You understand. You care. You care about me, about my well being. You care how I feel.

Give me the strength this day that I need to renew my mind. My efforts are so fluctuating. Show your love to me because I need it to carry on. Help me to take your love and give it to myself, and then give to those around me. I need your help each day to discern and see the truth, and then to speak it. "All truth is God's truth", but where is your truth most clearly shown more than in your word? Your word that I do not want to approach.

"Come to me all ye who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest"
What is my need for thee, O God? That you should be a source of truth to my mind? Is this my "spiritual need" that can be fulfilled by you? What is our heavy load? Why are we weary? What rest will you give to us? What are you talking about? What do your words mean?